Test Results

On the 27th I reviewed my PET CT scan results with my Oncologist and found that there was no signs of the disease. I got the blood test results back today and found that my Tumor markers are .5 (normal less than .7) and 3.4 (normal range 0-6), so I am officially cancer-free!! I could not have done it with out the support of my friends and families (I belong to a few). The Lord has truly blessed me during this difficult time and helped me to touch many people's lives.

My wife and I plan to start writing as many Thank You cards as it takes for the people who have donated so generously. I know it doesn't seem like much, but all that we can offer is to thank those people from the bottom of our hearts and to pay it forward when others need it.

Although I am cancer free I still have a lot ahead of me. I will be monitored for 3-5 years. I will be doing blood tests and/or check ups every 3-6 months until that "danger period" is up. This means I will still have need for donations to help with doctor's visits, except this time they'll be more spread out than 3-4 times a week! My church is helping with this aspect and a benefit concert and spaghetti dinner are in the works for such funds. That way you can enjoy more than just a warm feeling for generosity. :) Those of you that aren't in town are welcome to donate however you see fit. Once again, anything that is done in support of my wife and I is more than appreciated. We love all of our friends and families that have kept us in their thoughts and prayers during this journey.

I will post more details as they come available to me in the next few months.

As far as everything else the Oncologist said that I would take a while to get to feeling like myself again. She explained that the chemo that i went through is very hard on the body. It takes a while to rebound from something like that, and can take as long as a year before things will start returning to normal. I can also have other side effects: getting all my hair back and then having my eyelashes fall out, that kind of thing. Although, my eyebrows and eyelashes have been thinning out lately, so that will probably happen before my hair comes back.

I have an appointment with my Urologist to determine the wellness of my glands and to have him pass me off at my stage of post-op post-chemo. Then they will remove my port! I imagine after that, i will start to feel back to normal. What they'll do is give me some local pain killing injections near the incision, then the doctor will reopen the incision and just pull the port out. I'll be completely conscious and they'll do it right there in the doctor's office. They have a sterile O.R. in the doctor's office. That is where Dr. Quaid sutured up my incision when it was having trouble closing. It's finally healed now, which i have to laugh about. It healed just in time for it to be reopened and have to heal again haha.

Then in the end of January i have a follow up with Doctor Brown, the Oncologist. She is a really good doctor, is very likable and fun.

I will try to keep up with more updates as they come but as of now i am in the recovery phase of my journey. I can't begin to express how glad i am for that, it has been a long time coming and the past 4 months have been pretty brutal, but i had a lot of support from the people i love. That gave me a lot of strength, for sure!

Another Update

Well, two barf bags later, i finished my Hell Week (which is a term i coined from the Navy Seals and use to describe the week i have chemotherapy every day for 5 days). Now all that is left is a Bleo on Saturday and a Bleo on next saturday and That should be it! I am getting really excited to put all this in my rear view mirror, so i am hoping that it works out well for me. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I believe that all the prayers and support from my friends and family are really helping me to do that!

I don't have much to say for these past two weeks. Except that it has been exceptionally difficult. It's a lot harder to break an anticipatory habit than i... anticipated. So i just gave in to it. Rhiannon brought up the point today that i am very blessed that i didn't start feeling nauseous and vomiting at the beginning of all my treatments. I completely agree with her. I can tell the Lord has had a hand in this gruesome treatment. It helps to hear positive things from friends and family too. So i really appreciate everyone's support, donations and prayers! I just cant properly express it enough.

In retrospect it really has been a bad week for me, but i don't have the weight on my shoulders of it being a "bad week." which is something I am very grateful for. It's been a trip so far, now i am just looking towards what the Oncologist will say after my treatments are over!

Update

The past few treatments have been rather difficult. The 7th, 8th, 9th and 12th were all very, very hard days for me. I had a lot of nausea and dry heaving. In fact, on the 8th before I even got into the hospital (just thinking about Chemo) made me gag into the grass but have nothing that came of it, except a more sick feeling and a feeling of wanting to turn around and walk back to the car.

But you can't do that with cancer. You can't hand it off to someone else until you get your strength up. You can't ask the chemo to stop pummeling you for one second while you live a normal day. There's no one to yell at, no one to blame, no proxy stand-in to tag team it with you. I am realizing it's one of the most absolute commitments that i'll make during this life (with no clause) until i'm in recovery. (note: I don't mean it to sound that my faith, or my wife are not absolute commitments in my life, it's just with cancer there is no letting up even for a minute. You are literally forced to keep going, there is only one morbid alternative. There isn't anything else that i have been able to think of that compares to that in life.)

I don't mean to be a downer. It's just when it comes to nausea I just want to curl into the fetal position and let it pass, quitting everything that i am doing. It's also to the point where i am jealous of healthy people. I know, it seems really silly! It's just getting harder to straight-cope with everything.

Luckily I have good Doctors that care about how i am feeling. I had an appointment yesterday with my Oncologists PA and she told me the Infusion Center told her all the days i was feeling nauseous. She begged me to call her when I get that way. There are still options we haven't explored. She prescribed me a patch that goes behind my ear for nausea, a pill for indigestion and another fail-safe for indigestion: Mylanta. Which by the way, tastes like one of my chemos, it's nooooott pleasant, but it works really well. I am hoping that these things will work, even though as I look inside myself to see how my body feels right now, I think by the 26th (the start of my last cycle) I don't think my gag reflex will be settled.

I can compare it to this: Have you ever overeaten to where you're physically uncomfortable? You just want to sit and rest and let it pass. After a couple hours the feeling of uncomfortably full passes. So you eat maybe... a banana -- immediately you're back where you started, at the threshold you were 2 long hours ago.

Only for me it has to do with feeling sick. I go through the chemo cycle and at the end I want to sit and let the feeling pass. After a week of feeling sick, it passes. Then a week later is when I "eat the banana" only at the beginning of my treatment I was digressing like honey coming out of the bottle on a cold day. Now it seems like a bullet train.

I mentioned before I don't want to be a downer. I really do have a silver lining to this post. I had talked to my wife for a couple of hours about my treatments and I told her about all these internal conflicts I was having about the treatments. After we finished our talk I felt so much more energized and happy.

I realized that these prescriptions and the doctors that I have are here to help me. They've helped people through this many, many times. Some times I am just too much of a trooper when it comes to medical care, because I am not used to being sick. Also I get the stubbornness (in a good way) from my Mom. It's hard for us to let other people take care of us, we'd rather save the world, while we're sick so the spotlight doesn't get shown on us too long.

There is something to be said for submission though. I believe it is in those times that we are able to grow the most because we know we aren't in control. That is what has driven me crazy about this whole process, I haven't been in control of anything! It's a hard pill to swallow, but i think we all have to give up the reigns to not stay on a narrow path. That's what i'm going to start doing -- I'm a late bloomer. heh

Wednesday or Thursday I am going to start wearing the patch to prepare for my bleo session on Friday. They also suggested I take a nausea pill on the ride there and on the ride home. That seems very reasonable and it also seems like it will help a lot. We'll see how it goes on friday. I'm also wondering if chemo on a half-full stomach would be my best bet too, or if i should eat several hours before my appointment. I can't imagine an empty stomach would be a good idea and i've already found what happens with a full one. So its going to be a little bit of trial and error this week.

I get better at keeping everyone updated. Once again, I don't mean to complain, but the down parts of the this past week were necessary to bring me to where i am at now.

Hair Loss and Head Shave

Saturday, October 30th, 2010

I haven't updated the blog in a while and I forgot to put this in when I was going through and updating today, so forgive it being out of order. I'll post some captions too. My sister Jen shaved my head while Amanda showed my Mom baby pictures and Rhiannon helped change the water. So everyone had a part, so-to-speak.

My sister Jen with the clippers.

My brother Randy was in the bathroom so we had to use a trash bag instead of a sheet.

I was sooo happy to get this hair off of my head by this point. It was coming out in clumps and in doing so all over my clothes and my bed too. I was happy to finally get it shaved off.

Jen Preparing to bic the hair off of my head.

I was touching up some spots she had missed. We're both perfectionists so she wasn't offended.

The finished product! No more hair on my pillow or the shower.

Day 24

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I don't know if i am counting the days right. I figure the count goes on even when I don't get treated.

Today I took my sister Amanda to Chemo with me. When they tapped my port it took them one time. Then they drew blood. Amanda and I joked and talked as the blood was being analyzed.

When finally the blood came back. My overall white blood count had gone from 300 on monday to 500 today. So that's optimistic. However, they want it at 1000. So no chemo today either. They decided to give me a shot of Neupogen. Neupogen is a drug that stimulates the growth of white blood cells in bone marrow. It affects the flat bones: scapula, pelvis, sternum, etc. They suggested that I get some Claritin for the aches that it will cause.

I think Amanda was a little stunned by the whole situation, it made it less of a blog at that point and more of a reality. Though i'm sure it would do that for anyone.

Tuesday - November 2, 2010

I went in to see Doctor Quaid again today. He took out the remaining two stitches. I mentioned that my white blood counts were too low for treatment the day before. He said that my incision was taking longer to heal due to less than ideal conditions. I took this to mean that I didn't have the immune system to make my wounds heal as quickly as he'd like -- heck, as quickly as I would like!

After that he sent me on my way with a Band-Aide and a extra one to use. I was optimistic about the incision healing.

I mentioned to Rhiannon that Doctor Quaid is the only doctor that I really like to see. He's just got a very mild-mannered demeanor. He's cool.

Day 22

Monday - November 1, 2010

I went with my Mom to get chemo today at 6:30 in the morning for a 7 am appointment. She had the day off because of some procedures she had to get done.

The nurse that was supposed to be tapping my port was having an off-day I think. Although, that is not the person you want to have an off-day.

The first time she tried it hurt really bad. I didn't want to taste the salene so i held my breath. I thought i was just being a wuss and hadnt had my port tapped in a while. So when she asked if it was in i said "yes." and she started flushing with salene. When she did that it started to come out of my incision, which i didn't particularly like. I expressed that concern and she mentioned that the salene is sterile and it shouldn't affect my healing. She explained that when she tried to tap it the port must have moved on her.

The second time she tried it felt like she got in, but she must have got just in the edge cuz there was no blood return and no push, the salene wasn't going anywhere.

The third attempt they tried another nurse. It is this Chinese nurse that works there. She's been there a long time. She held the port firmly in place as another nurse sprayed Freezy stuff on my port to numb the location. She plunged the needle in and vola, it was finally tapped. They took a blood sample and i fell asleep.

When I woke up the nurse came up to me shaking her head. She said that my white blood count was too low for treatment today. She said we'd try again Wednesday.

When they untapped the port it bled a lot due to the target practice from earlier.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Doctor Quaid examined me today and decided he was going to take 3 of the 5 stitches out. I suppose this made me nervous because I wanted it to be entirely healed up before he took the stitches out. Although, i realize at the same time you cant leave external stitches in for a long period of time (says the nurse that i tentatively believed at the oncology place). I think of it more in terms of it is acting as support for my incision.

Either way, that is neither here nor there. I got 3 of the 5 stitches out. and he told me to come back in a week. He was really liking the progress of my incision healing.

Day 15

Monday - October 25, 2010

My incision is looking a lot better with the stitches. It is starting to close up and I'm really happy that I wont have to get another surgery.

The Bleomycin treatment went well today. There were no major hiccups to report. I was just very vocal about how the nurses needed to be careful of my incision. I wonder if they start to stress out when i walk into the infusion center?

I just keep putting triple antibiotic on the incision and Band-Aids over top of it. That seems to work out well.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I went to Doctor Quaid's office today with Rhiannon and my Mother-in-Law, Marie. The surgeon I met yesterday had told me that they would be able to take the port out in the Doctor's office. This had frightened me a little bit. I immediately thought of laying down on one of those crinkly sounding exam... "beds" or whatever they are. If anyone knows the name technical name I would be interested to know it. Anyway, I saw in my mind's eye me sitting on one of those things while the good doctor told me to take a deep breath then pulled the port out. Yikes.

On the contrary, in this Doctor's office they have a miniature Operating Room, which I did not know, when the nurse led Rhiannon and I back to this room. I felt a wave of relief. The nurse told me to take off my shirt -- I always have this inappropriate inclination to joke with them when they say that and respond by saying, "You'll need to buy me dinner before that's gonna happen." I know, like I said, 'inappropriate'. I suppose once you have had as many Doctor's appointments as I have had in the past few months, where people are poking and prodding, you lose a certain sense of discretion and/or dignity. For example, yesterday when they told me to remove my shirt, they pulled the curtains for privacy. Privacy? How about privilege! In most places it is "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." Okay, I suppose a Hospital is different, but if you can't laugh about the things you have to do for Doctors, cancer would be pretty gloomy.

So back on track. The nurse led me in and told me to remove my shirt (we've covered that part), and take a seat on the operating table, which was covered with red disposable shop cloth material and what looked like a puppy training pad, only without the pheromones. I hesitantly took a seat; hesitantly because I didn't want her to start doing anything to me without the Doctor seeing me first. I suppose I wanted to feel in control of what was going on until he got there.

The nurse started raising the operating table and all she had to say was "we're gonna bring you up to eye-level for Doctor Quaid." really, that's all she had to say for this to be funny, because Dr. Quaid is close to 6'5". So her, me and Rhiannon had a little laugh about it.

The Doctor came in about the same time I was getting the dressing removed from the port incision. He looked at it like a painter looks at a painting after brushing on a stroke and stepping back. He put on some gloves and poked next to the infection to see if there was any discharge, but there wasn't. He mumbled something about that being encouraging. I was on baited breath waiting for the verdict. At this small, pin-prick sized point in my life I felt all my faculties focusing on the words this person was about speak.

I had to break my own tension, so as I was laying down I said with a smirk, "I've only had this thing for 10 days, is there some kind of return policy??" He threw his head back and laughed and that made me feel a little bit better as we talked about the differences between doctor's fees and the fees associated with using a Hospital O.R.. The conversation lulled and he look another inquisitive look at the incision as I, once again, felt frozen in place.

"I want to try and save it." he said casually, "let's go ahead and clean it out real good and stitch it closed."

He explained to me that it looked like there was some tissue break down, but that he could see the failed sutures in the wound tract.

"The worst-case scenario is that you get a delayed infection inside, that we'll treat with antibiotics. Since you'll only have that in there for another month to month and a half I think we can save it for at least that long and prevent you from adding another cost."

I know this seemingly over dramatic presentation of events appears to be overkill, but I honestly can't express to you the relief that I felt once he said those words. So if my sculpted description doesn't help, suffice-it-to-say: I would have stood on my head if that helped him treat me in any way!

He put a cloth curtain up to separate my head from my chest and explained it was to avoid contamination through me breathing on it. He turned on the operating lights which were incredibly bright, they were actually very warm. I could feel him poking and pinching the affected area. He asked the nurse for some scrub, iodine and other things he'd need. He talked to me about my past few days and asked when the infection presented itself. I was surprised to... well, he was listening to me! He actually listened to what I was saying, and made me feel like the information I was giving him was pertinent. This was surprisingly a boost for me.

There was pain here and there as he scrubbed me out, but it didn't really hurt. I just felt pressure was all. Rhiannon who was in a chair 7 feet from where my head was on the table, said during the conversation he was discarding bloody things, but it was probably the iodine or the scrub. The Doctor said that he found very little blood, which is a good thing, it means the tissue is still alive.

Then the stitches. He asked for (i think) 375 Nylon. The nurse went and got it and he started stitching up the affected area. This was very needley. I delt with what felt like the first 3 in-n-outs, but asked for a local after that. He gave it to me, i think. There were so many needle pokes it could have been more stitches. The bad news is that the local didn't do much where he put it. So i could still feel the last few he put in.

When he said that was the last of it, i had noticed how clenched my body had become to bear the pain. So i relaxed. He put gauze and a cellophane looking sticky sheet on to seal it up. Then he told me to take it easy for a while. I told him that the nurse in Oncology had said my white blood count was right smack dab in the middle. He said, "oh, that's encouraging!" After he gave me a few instructions he sent me away with some antibiotics and a follow-up appointment for Tuesday. He told me to go ahead and get chemo on Monday, then see him on Tuesday. He also said that the stitches would need to come out. I'm guessing that is when he'll do it.

While I was leaving I tried to put my shirt back on and realized I didn't want to chance bringing my arm over my head this soon. So I put my left arm in the sleeve and left my right arm in place: elbow at my side firmly, and forearm and hand wrapped around my stomach. I have been telling everyone that I am going to take it easy, let this heal and be very aggressive about it. So on Thursday I'll quit looking ridiculous and move my right arm around normally, but until then I'm going to treat it like I have a dislocated shoulder -- only without the ice. The Doctor said to be very minimal with things like that.

Overall I am pleased and humbled. The past few days I have had an increasingly poor attitude about treatment. I have been complaining about how dizzy I feel and so on, just complaining. I feel like the Lord has shown me through this experience that it could be a whole lot worse. That Jesus Christ (the ultimate cancer survivor, because of experiencing our pains through the Atonement) even complained a little, but he still acknowledged His Father as the one in control. It wasn't until now that I feel I have surrendered this disease to the Lord, letting Him be in control.

I realize that is a weird sounding thing for me to say, but it wasn't until now that I stopped relying on my own strength, because I see how far that got me. I spent all weekend undressing the wound, putting Hydrogen Peroxide on it, then putting Triple Antibiotic on and covering it with cotton balls then taping it down. I did that every day this weekend. It only seemed to get worse.

I took that two ways 1 - I should never become a doctor or 2 - I should probably rely on the Lord more during this time. I already knew the first one! The second one was less proven, until now.

Day 8

Monday, October 18, 2010

I went to go get my normal chemo today. For the past few days the nurses have been concerned about the fact that my incision (from the port surgery) isn't healing up properly. They have been fearing infection for a few days, but through just about every nurse in the Oncology Department checking me out with my shirt off, they had collectively decided that it was a surface infection - nothing to worry about.

On Friday (Day 7) I had gone home and cleaned the affected area and treated it with triple antibiotic ointment. In the eyes of the untrained medical professional (myself) it was looking pretty good.

It wasn't until today when the nurse pulled the dressing off and looked at it, she had the first glint of what I saw as worry. She drew another nurse into the cubicle to take a look. This nurse's name was Nina, she'd taken care of me all last week. She bit the corner of her lip in concern and said that it wasn't looking too good. They squeezed the incision to see if there was anything that would come out, nothing did. As a precautionary measure, they put a hold on my Chemotherapy for today and called for labs.

The nurse drew blood from my port, then they had another nurse come from a different Department of the hospital to draw blood from another part of my body. This is called a Blood Panel, I think, I can't really remember because my head reeling by this point. Basically, they wanted to draw from two different places to have a variety of results.

They called a surgeon from the office of the Doctor that put my port in, so he could come in and look at the incision to give the nurses some insight. However, this Doctor was in the Operating Room and it took about an hour for him to finish. So there I sat. Shirtless. For an hour.

When he came in he told me that there appeared to be tissue break down around the incision. This means that the incision should have closed, like it normally does, and fuse together -- but it didn't. For reasons unknown it didn't heal together and it opened back up, except only half of it opened back up, the middle of the incision is fine. I'll illustrate it with equal signs, hyphens and X's. The X's represent where it's closed, hyphens represent where it's healing and the equal sign represents where it's opened, the aforementioned case:

======XXXXxx-----

Since the incision is like a pocket where they slip the port into, this is how the incision literally looks, almost to scale, maybe a little longer. As you can see, the healing is rather odd. The surgeon thinks the best thing to do now is to remove the port and put a new one in the other side. In fact, you know Doctors: they don't think, they know!

I guess this is a good thing that they're decisive, but it doesn't leave much room for hope. Seeing as this means that tomorrow (Tuesday, October 19, 2010) I have an appointment to have the surgical doctor (Dr. Quaid) who put this in, take it out. Well, the Surgeon that looked at me today told Dr. Quaid he should be prepared to take it out tomorrow, but that he could decide for himself. Then he gave me a slight, smug micro-expression. I can pretty much bank on the fact I'm getting it out tomorrow. I asked the "good" Doctor what his return policy was on 10 day old merchandise. Seeing as how this little gizmo is not cheap. He gave a scripted, diplomatic answer of, "We provide the services, it's not really about purchasing them or returning them." Makes sense I guess, but his follow up question was if I would be paying out of pocket. When I said yes, he didn't seem empathetic. He mentioned the financial aid that was available, and didn't say much else. Poor people must make him uncomfortable.

On Wednesday, October 20, 2010 I am scheduled for surgery to get another port put in. On the following day I have an appointment scheduled with my Oncologist Dr. Brown, whose name I see all the time, but I haven't seen her for a couple weeks. It will be good to ask some questions.

I'm really not thrilled about the news, as you can probably tell by my chiding and sarcastic tone in my post. I guess the truth is I don't want to lose momentum and I feel like this hiccup will contribute to a huge loss of it.

It's kinda funny that cancer is self-sustaining to the point where it actually runs out of inhabitable room, yet the patients themselves have to dig deep inside (as well as drawing on support from others) to find what sustains them through the process of killing it.

Day 1

Monday, October 11, 2010

My first day of Chemo went alright. I met a really nice nurse. I went to the treatment with Dibe. It felt weird the whole time having something coarsing through the largest vein in my body. It kinda felt like: excitement, hunger and heartburn all rolled into one. The minutes dragged on like weeks. We had a good time with the nurse we joked back and forth, Dibe humbly flaunted her medical knowledge to which the nurse asked "aaand how do you know all this?" Although it would have been really interesting if Dibe said, "from WebMD" instead of her actual response wihch was, "I work on an Ambulance."

There isn't much to tell about this day except they spray froze my port area, and jammed a needle in, then took my blood at the beginning. Apparently the Silicone membrane on the port is a lot thicker than I gave them credit for originally.

They pushed my Saliene fluid through too fast so i feel woozy and dizzy. I thought that was how I was supposed to feel, but i thought I would ask anyway. The nurses assured me that I didn't need to feel that way, that they could push it through slower. So my nurse, Nina, wrote that in the notes.

At the end of this seemingly uneventful day a woman suffered an allergic reaction. The Oncology nurses called in people from Intensive Care and a Pulmonary Specialist. There were a bunch of people gathered around her asking questions. The Intensive care nurse looked frazzled -- like she's always in a hurry where ever she goes. Unrelatedly, I told Dibe she should be an ICU nurse. She declined saying that her job is more fun. I asked why? and she told me because when ICU gets their patients they're already stabilized -- stabilizing them is the fun part, she said. I agreed, that sounds more fun. Before we found out the outcome of the lady's condition, it was time for us to go.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I woke up at 7:10 this morning for my surgery. We had to be at the Hospital at 8:00. We got registered for the surgery, then played the waiting game. Finally the nurse came back and got me for my weight. After that they brought me into the pre-op room and gave me a bag for my clothes and other belongings.

After getting situated I laid in the bed and this really funny nurse came in and introduced himself as being the teller of bad jokes. (i.e. what do you call a bear with no teeth? .......... a gummy bear!) Needless to say he lived up to his introduction. He shook my hand, then grabbed the tips of my fingers, then when I put my hand back at my side he coaxed me to "finish it!" so we pounded knuckles. I have got to say that's the first time i've received "knucks" in

a Hospital!

He prepared to give me my IV so i did my usual and looked away. He gave me a local, then put the IV in and asked if i was okay. I told him I was, i just didn't like to watch. He responded with, "me neither, I like to close my eyes!" The man got jokes, I tell ya what!

He told me he'd see me in recovery and another nurse would look after me. When she walked in it was a very familiar face. I had seen her just two weeks previously before my Orchiectomy surgery! I said, "yooou look familiar!" and she told me how she bragged about me to other nurses for the past two weeks about how i just had a great attitude, and was at a rea

lly good place mentally during that surgery. I thought that was cool.

Eventually I had to go to the bathroom, so a nurse helped me down the hall, and of course as luck would have it, the Anesthesiologist tried to come visit my little room while I was gone. My Mom recounted the details when i came back. After i got re-situated she came in a short while later. She explained the anesthetic and how the meds i take make me more tolerant to it. So she'll have to give me more. She also explained they would give me a breathing tube, so i might wake up with a sore throat.

A really nice nurse wheeled me into the Operating Room and I started to get a little nervous. It always kinda gives me the willies to see how laid back the surgeon and surgeon's assistants are when you first get wheeled in. They were chatting about the Iron Man competition in Kona, Hawaii. Then the lady at "The Long Table of Sharp Pointy Objects" asked the guy who wheeled me in, "what's missing in here today?" and he said, "music!" so she asked me my favorite band. I was a little busy being transferred over to the Operating Table and getting my gown untied to answer. She asked again later though and I told her.

They set me all up then they p

ut the oxygen mask on my face and the Anesthesiologist hooked something up to the IV. She told me that most people feel a sting that goes away right away -- within thirty seconds -- and that i'd feel the wetness that i felt last time. Then, I started to feel really tired but kept my eyes open, the large Operating Room lights started focusing and unfocusing and my eyes were involuntarily listing lazily from side to side.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a killer sore throat. They had one of those oxygen nose things on me and it felt insanely uncomfortable to my still heavily sedated self. Instinctually I trie

d to pull it off, but the nurses stopped me. When I wake up in the morning usually I rub my eyes a lot to get the sleep out of em, it also seems to help me feel more awake. I tried that and the nurses batted my hand away again, thinking I was going for my new nose-piece. I told them I wanted to rub my eyes -- no relief. It was a deep feeling, clear in the middle of my head, rubbing my eyes wasn't going to help.

As soon as I could I asked for ice chips, cuz the thing that hurt the most was my throat! They told me it'd go away in about a day. I started feeling more awake, I joked with the nurse. She kind of looked at me like "is h

e serious?" They must get a lot of boring people in recovery or she must have thought i was talking nonsense because I was still high off Anesthesia. It may have been nonsense. I remember it being about my robe, but I can't remember it all. I just remember her laughing. In my state it was not a good idea to keep making jokes, but i made another one. It was about wearing so many clothes into the hospital i had to have two bags. I remember feeling disappointed to hear her say, "oh was it cold outside?"

They forgot to take an X-Ray to make sure that the Catheter feeding the vein was in the right spot, while I was in the OR. So they did it there.

They wheeled me into the next room which is basically the wait to be released. They were waiting for the phone call from radiology to confirm it was in the right spot. While we waited my mom took a picture of me. I sat there with my ice chips, with no modesty, looking stoned out of my mind because the sun was shinning in through the window i was facing, but life is good!

No more IVs!

Finally the nurse caring for me went on a calling spree and tracked down radiology and asked them herself if my results were back yet. They were and I was fee to go.

A really close friend of mine named Craig recently had collar bone surgery, so I can imagine that he looked something like me in this picture after he got out.

I got home and felt pretty good. I just feel like I have a sore neck, like I slept on it wrong. Other than that, i feel pretty good. The Doctor said no spiking of any Volleyballs for a while. Darn, that was on my to-do list!

I start Chemotherapy on Monday and my wonderful friend Dibe is going to be picking me up at 6:30 in the morning so we can make it there by 7. Then the 4 hour treatment, but hey... no IV! Plus she's an EMT so she knows medical speak and will be able to help me out with all the stuff they tell me.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I was called by Karen from UCH today telling me to plan on not having an appointment this afternoon, because the two doctors that were deliberating on my admission were still "at it" Friday when they left. She said that she'd call me if anything changed. Although it looks like I may not be going to UCH.

I talked to Patty from the Financial Aid organization called RamStrength. She's an Oncologist nurse. I asked her if the Chemo was typically done at PVH and was covered. She said, "yes!" All I would need to pay out of pocket would be Oncologist "check-ups." Even then if i am eligible for RamStrength then they'll pay up to 500 dollars on each bill.

She also said that the Oncologist that i was going to was trying to have their office converted over to CICP. So that's good news too. It's almost looking like Cancer Center of the Rockies would be a better choice than UCH. I mean, I would love to go to such a successful hospital, but at the same time I am kind of feeling okay about going to the Cancer Center of the Rockies too.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Today I went to Medical Center of the Rockies to get another CAT scan. I thought it was just going to be a normal CAT scan so I told Rhiannon to wait in the waiting room. The last time she came in with me for a CAT scan the technician looked at her funny. Almost as if to say, "it's just a CAT scan..." Then she had to leave anyway. So this time I told her to go ahead and just wait in the waiting room.

The Nurse took me back and as we were walking down this long hallway she was telling me what was going to happen and mentioned "a dye" and I was thinking, "oh man, i've heard of this before."

So she took me to this room with a curtain for a door. She told me that the nurse was going to give me an IV. Then the nurse asked if i wanted a warm blanket. I said no and she asked jovially, "are you sure? I just love getting them out!" I laughed and told her no, i was sure. As she left I looked across from where I was sitting and saw a chair for guests and internally kicked myself, because I could have had Rhiannon with me! The other nurse came in and gave me an IV, it was the weirdest feeling to not have it attached to anything and walk down the hallway to the CAT scan area. I felt like I had to hold the IV port part up so gravity wouldn't drain me of blood, but those seals are pretty good!

The other nurse came back and "handed me off" to the original nurse who walked me the rest of the way. We went into the room for the CAT Scan. They did the normal in and out thing, scanning me. Then she walked out of the observation room and told me that she needed the hand with the IV. She told me she was going to do a Saline flush. I didn't like it, as soon as she put it into my blood stream the air tasted salty and stale, and smelled the same way. After that she told me she was going to put the dye in. It was an interesting feeling. It felt wet at my IV, just like when I got the Anesthesia for the surgery. Only I didn't pass out.

I felt this really warm sensation start at my right arm, move to my chest, then from there it moved simultaneously up to my head to make me really dizzy, and to my left arm, then like a really slow wave it moved down my torso 'til it hit my feet. It was then that i felt something she had warned me about. She said most people feel like they're wetting their pants, but you're not, and it will only last for thirty seconds. Well, it did, it felt warmer and warmer in my nether regions until it felt like I was essentially wetting myself, but I deduced that's because that area houses the most blood vessels in such a small area. As compared to my head where I just felt dizzy, I could concentrate on how it got warmer and warmer down there, then as soon as it came it was gone! So was the CAT scan, it was done too. She told me she'd extract the IV, which I instinctually braced for, but it was fast and smooth, I didn't really feel it.

She told me the reason they put the dye in me was for contrast on the CAT scan. That I should drink lots of water over the next two days to prevent kidney damage. I think she said 6-8 full glasses of water. I just drank 2 liters of Gatorade when I got home, then 2 more the next day.

When I got out of there I told Rhiannon everything that had happened and she sympathized telling me she had to get a CAT scan with contrast before too and it was weird. When I got out I asked the receptionist for a copy of the results when they come in. I'm supposed to call Monday the 4th and pick them up.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Oncologist explained that cancer is made up of cells that have found a way to cheat death. Usually our cells grow, they multiply, then the old ones die. When they cheat death they all grow: current cells, posteriorly grown, etc. Pretty soon everything gets crowded and a cancer cell decides to "move out" by going down the blood stream. The Lymphatic system is the body's filter system for disease. However cancer cells -- not playing by the rules -- decide they're gonna use the closest Lymph Node as a new home and start multiplying there. When this happens it's most generally Stage 2 cancer because it's not localized to the point of origin anymore.

Although, staging cancer is not that simple. There are 3 types of tells that Oncologists look to, and those are: Tumor, Nodes and Metastasis. Then if the cancer is Seminoma or Non-Seminoma. I have Non-Seminoma.

In my blood test they explained that most of my tumor markers were pretty normal except one which was the one that i mentioned earlier that is 2222 instead of the normal <.07 mark. They also found out my Calcium was low, I guess i should drink more milk, ey?

They examined my stomach CT Scan and they found a small Node on the bottom of my lung area. So tomorrow i am getting another CT Scan to determine if the cancer has spread to my chest at all. As it is right now the staging is not complete, so when the Doctor told me that I had Stage 3 cancer yesterday it was pretty much a best guess. The oncologist said, "all the facts aren't in, but i would say you have stage 2." which means roughly 3 chemo treatments. Each Chemo treatment would go on (I think) everyday for a month, stopping short of the last week of that month to give me a break. It is either that or it's a week on and a week off, she wasn't really clear about it. Then as soon as I start feeling better, after being off it for a week, it'll start all over again. That is considered one treatment. So this will roughly go on for 3 months if i am receiving it well. If not they'll give me another treatment.

One of the other things that is up in the air is a Retroperitoneal Lymph Node Dissection (RPLND). This is a lot of big words meaning my Lymph Nodes are swollen in my abdomen, and they don't know why, so they're gonna remove my abdominal Lymph Nodes to find out more information about the cancer. This is a procedure they'll put me under for and at the same time I'm under they'll put my port in. The reason they're up in the air about it is because the Oncologist i went to today wants to do it before chemo, but she said to see what the doctor at UCH says. This leads me to believe that it must not be a sure thing.

All I know is I am just barely able to stand up on my own without pain, sneeze, cough and feel normal without pain in my incision. Then they're gonna give me two more incisions in my abdomen! Hah, oh well, it's for a good reason. She told me that i'll need to let myself feel lazy in these upcoming months. So i guess i'll have to give into the idea.

Before I left I had blood drawn so they could check my tumor markers and other things Post-Op. I have a CT Scan tomorrow; UCH monday; something Wednesday and a follow-up in 3 weeks. Having cancer sure requires a lot of time, I don't know how those people do it who work while going through Chemo!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

After spending 5 1/2 hours on the phone calling Hospitals and Doctors, I have established a tentative appointment for University of Colorado Hospital on Monday. This works out great for me, because it falls within the whole "urgency" thing.

Also, my records are getting sent over to UCH to create a file, in which to present to [someone] in order to approve me, since this facility is in demand. This whole process is being expedited on every side, so I'm not worried.

This Hospital is one of 39 in the Nation and the only comprehensive cancer institute in the Rocky Mountain region. So it's a really great opportunity -- a huge blessing.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I visited my Urologist today. Before we went in they took us aside to the billing office. They presented us with an $1,100 bill for Dr. Brutcher's services as a surgeon. My Mother-in-Law brought up a good point that the Anesthesiologists bill should be coming shortly after that. How fun! (yeah, right.) I'll tell you, I'm not looking forward to seeing those numbers on a bill. The Oncologist that I am going to tomorrow is self-pay, so that bill will be coming too. We have some agencies and things that we have in reserve that we'll bring out to help pay those bills, but every little bit will still help keep us out of debt because of these medical bills.

I try not to let myself get wrapped up in the financial aspect of the treatment, but instead on just trying to get better. That's the most important thing medically to me right now, then second would be being able to have children later in life.

He said everything was looking good. I asked him to refer me to the Anschutz Medical Campus, but neither of us knew how to do that. They tried calling, but were unable to get a real person. So they gave me the number to call. He told me I could take the clear plastic covering off the incision today. He almost said it like he was surprised it hadn't already fallen off or that I hadn't already taken it off.

I asked a few questions about my condition. I asked what stage cancer they found, first of all. He said it was Stage 3 Testicular Cancer. It is stage 3 because my tumor markers are so high. There is a test they ran on my blood where i was supposed to be <.07 and I was at 2,222.

They found 3 different abnormalities on my removed testicle: Embryonal, Yolk Sac and Teratoma. The biggest composition was the Embryonal at 85%. The other two were relatively small.

Because the cancer didn't penetrate to the Tuncia Albuginea, that means i am in relatively good shape.

So for me that basically means i have 3 different kinds of abnormalities, like the Urologist said.

After the Urology appointment I called The University of Colorado Hospital (UCH) to see if i could be admitted there as a patient in their Oncology section. I got transferred a lot and left a message for a woman named Karen who does the scheduling. UCH is in the Anschutz Medical Campus. Karen called me back at 11:50a and left a message saying that she's having an Oncologists Assistant looking into times when i can come in for a consultation. They are thinking in the next few days which will be just perfect! She mentioned that she would be in a meeting from 12p until 1p and would check her messages promptly after that. I called her back when i got the message, at noon. Now i am waiting on her call.

The CICP (Colorado Indigent Care Program) that I am signed up for is used at UCH. Also Chemotherapy is covered, that right there will save a pretty penny. We are so blessed to have all these facilities and programs available to us. The support we're getting from family and friends is pretty outstanding, i am saving every email i get from paypal saying i got a donation so i can send Thank You cards.

After the Urologist told me that I had stage 3 cancer, he saw my "Live Strong" bracelet and told me "you know Lance Armstrong had stage 4 cancer, right?" I was also told that he had kids 2 years after his treatments, without using in vitro fertilization. So i am pretty optimistic!

When Karen calls back and I get something set up, i'll post another update, but that's all for now!

The picture is from a website (http://radiology.rsna.org/content/227/1/18/F1.large.jpg), it's an anatomical picture with no real relevance to my pathology report except for the labeled terms.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I have been thinking a lot about all the help I have been getting. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful. There are a few people that I want to publicly embarrass by thanking them for their relentless efforts, in no particular order:

Jen my sister - She has been amazing. She lives 1600 miles away, but is coming up with ideas about fundraisers, donating money herself and just plain being supportive. A few days ago, she had two Orchid highlights dyed into her hair to support me. If there is one thing I have learned in 24 years it’s to never mess with a woman and her hair! So for her to do that unprovoked by me asking is simply a profound show of support. She has also had her nails done purple, and her friend made her a purple flower to put in her hair.

She has also been creating awareness for other cancers in the Orlando area by making bracelets. She bought the immediate family Testicular cancer bracelets and is sending them to us, as well. I really don't think there is any end to what her and her husband John can do. John has been sending me encouraging text messages, voice mails and posting my website on Facebook, the Social Networking site.

Their family is a huge blessing in my life and I am very grateful for people like my sister and her family. I believe that they are the essence of what humanity is all about; what it means to be human and care for other people, rather than ourselves.

Amanda my other sister - has also been very generous. A while ago she ran a 5k race and dedicated it to me. She and her boyfriend have also donated to my cause. Amanda is 3,000 miles away, but continues to raise awareness in Anchorage, Alaska. She shares pictures at her outpatient office where she works and has spread the word to her friends and other family.

She and Jen have been a great support throughout all of this, putting their lives on hold at the moment I call them, or just need to talk. During this whole ordeal she has had a positive attitude and has provided me with hours of entertainment: telling jokes, keeping a positive spin on things, providing medical suggestions and so on. In her own way she has been my emotional support, while Jen has shown a lot of physical support -- balancing each other out.

The Waite family of Loveland - sweetly donating a sum of money to my cause. I am extremely grateful for people like these in my life who I don’t even know, but understand the concept of compassion. Without families like them, I wouldn't have much hope for medical bills. Thank you so much for blessing my life!

Brenn Hill, of course - The generosity of him to a complete stranger is just so touching. His son’s story is so inspiring; it gives me hope as well. The offer he made of organizing a benefit concert for me is not only awe-inspiring but also incredibly charitable. It is a great blessing when an artist uses their God-given talents to bless the lives of people who are struggling. Even if you don't believe in God you have to admit, it really puts to good use what it means to be human! The ability to feel for another person and want to change their situation with whatever influences you can. I think we need more people like that in the world: more people that try.

The other artists that put on the concert also deserve a tip of the hat. It's incredibly kind of you to donate your time and talents like that.

Words can't express how grateful I am for his decision. It takes humongous weight off of my shoulders. Though the irony is that I haven't been much of a country music listener, Brenn has definitely made me a fan through his music and his kindness. So visit his website and show your support for a just good, all around person, who happens to have a talent for music as well. http://www.brennhill.com/

And my Mom, Kathy - Who is been a constant support ever since she found out. Always asking me if there is anything that I need and helping anyway that she can. She even has helped with money, and that just wasn't when I was sick. She is an extremely generous person, one who I am proud to call my Mom.

She has a lot of connections in town and makes sure she talks about my situation. Her thought is that you never know who might want to help. I very much have and will continue to appreciate the support she gives for me. She is very skilled at compassion, though you would think raising three boys would have affected that or snuffed it out somehow; she has still maintained her charitable attitude!

My wife, Rhiannon - Who has been a beacon of strength through this whole thing. She is my pillar - a great example. She has been extremely caring and understanding about everything. She is also looking forward in hope, despite everything that has happened. She has wanted to breakdown and cry a few times, but has stopped herself. She is trying so hard to be strong and I appreciate that about her. She is a wonderful woman.

My Parents-in-Law (Thayne and Marie) - have been a strong driving force behind me ever since they found out as well. Thayne has a lot of friends and has made sure that he lets them know of my circumstance. Marie got me a Live Strong bracelet to remind me to not stop having hope. They have been creating awareness through their friends, who tell their friends and so forth. It has been a real blessing to have them behind me. They are wonderfully considerate people.

It runs in the family, too. Chad, my Brother-in-law has donated money to my cause. And him and his wife Lisa have supported me through this difficult, but hopeful time. Chad feels more like a blood-brother than a brother-in-law.

My close friend Dibe - Dibe came to the hospital to see me - an hour out of her way - the day of the surgery. She stayed the whole time! She is an EMT so she is brutally busy. She is a great advice giver and a trusted friend. Someone whom I can count on without doubt, ever. Dibe loves to help people out. I think that is what makes her an example to everyone; I think that is what makes her special.

She's been a role model of how I should be for a long time now. She sees opportunity to help in the most obscure situations. She is loved dearly by Rhiannon and I. We are appreciative for everything that Dibe has done for us through this process. She is a true friend.

I doubt I could say anything nice enough to adequately dote on her for how much a support she has been. We are lucky to have a friend like Dibe who cares like she is a blood-relative.

My good family friend, Christie - Christie is a cancer survivor and the mother of my Best Friend Clancey. She is very tough. I love her dearly like a second Mom. Throughout this whole thing her kind, unimposing attitude about things has been a great support to have and very informational. She's a great person. I am really blessed to know her.

My good friend Vivian from Chile - Vivian is a very funny woman. My friend Jessica met Vivian while she was serving an 18-month mission in the Santiago area for our church. She introduced us through Facebook and we have been in touch ever since. We have grown to think of each other like siblings. She has been a huge support throughout all of my Doctor's appointments. Her humor about her country and about life in general contributes to keeping my spirits up.

She has been sending me emails asking for updates on my condition. She thinks about my circumstance a lot too. She's a very good friend.

Long-time friends Pam and Jane - have supported me through this whole thing as well. They are not in a position where helping financially is possible, but they have offered so much more than money could give. Pam considers me one of her children because of how long I have known them. I would consider her another mom and her husband Craig another Dad because of how long I have known them.

Their charity, patience and love for me over the years has not wavered. Jane texts me often wondering how I am doing and how I am feeling. This whole circumstance hasn't sat well with her, but she's a good friend, and keeps at it even though i may not respond right a way.

Pam just recently got a job so she isnt able to talk to me as much as she would like to, but they're doing anything in their realm of influence to help me. Being huge country fans they're thinking of people who they can bring to the benefit, which is a HUGE help! They have tenacity and perseverance, which makes me glad they're on my side! Rhiannon and I really love their family and Christie's family.

Ryan from Sacramento - Is another great friend of mine who has been more than supportive. Him and his wife Vanessa have done what they can to spread the word and share my website with other people. They have a lot of friends because they are very likable people. I am lucky to know them and be so close to them. Throughout the years Ryan has identified with me and my sense of humor. We make each other laugh a lot, so during a time like this I especially appreciate his thoughts and support. He is a really great friend. He is lively, considerate and has a service-oriented attitude, which makes handling difficult news a breeze. I am very blessed to have him in my life.

In fact, I love all the people that I have mentioned very much. This wouldn't be much of a fair fight without other people on my side. I am very fortunate to have the means and the opportunity to progress forward with my treatment like I have. Other people aren't so fortunate.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has helped and has yet to help. Words can't express how much it means to me. You're all terrific people!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

There was something amazing that happened today; something truly humbling and incredible. I'm going to have my Mom, Kathy, tell this story since I wasn't there when it happened:

I am so sure that Our Heavenly Father has a hand in Kevin's recovery even more so, because of an experience we had today. Tim and I were invited to a barbecue to celebrate the 100th birthday of a good friend and former co-worker's home as well as her husband's birthday. Carol Wasserman and her husband, Tony Witt are great people! Because they are sponsoring a concert of some Country Western artists at Loveland's Rialto Theatre tomorrow, they had some of the artists play at the party.

I heard Carol say that one of the artists, Brenn Hill, was from Utah, so I struck up a conversation with some things we might have in common. Soon we were talking about his little boy, Briggs, and the brain and spinal cord cancer he has battled since age 2 1/2 (He is now 4 and still fighting and getting better). I was able to see pictures of his beautiful family and Briggs's radiant and ear to ear smile just touched my heart! I told him about Kevin and he told me that many miracles have taken place in Briggs's battle with cancer despite some very negative opinions of medical experts and he said to make sure that we used the power of the priesthood whenever necessary with our son, too.

Later, Tim and I were sitting on the farmhouse porch eating and Brenn pulled up a chair and started eating and visiting, too. He kind of blurted out in a humble quiet voice, "I'm going to do a benefit concert for you!" Tim and I just sat there silently and in a bit of shock. What do you say when someone offers you such an amazing gift?

By the time we left the party, we had several people already beginning to formulate the details.

Stay tuned. This benefit will include several country artists, food, and more! We will give you all of the information we can when we have it. Thank-you, Brenn, Carol, Tony, and Mark! You are all angels sent from God to our family.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I had a wonderful web designer made me a web site to aid in awareness of Testicular Cancer and for anyone who wants to donate funds to help me with Doctor's fees and other medical costs. The web address is:

http://www.helpkevind.com/index.php

In fact, he will donate 100 dollars for every web site that he makes to my medical costs, unless it's a larger cost web site, then he'll donate more. This is very appreciated. So if you aren't able to help donate or anything, but you still want to help, you can refer anyone who needs a web site to my friend Nathan. His website is http://www.imakeyourwebsites.com/ he is able to provide many services. If you have questions send him an email at nathan@imakeyourwebsites.com he's been a huge support in all of my treatment.

And thank you to all of my friends and family who have been supporting me throughout this as well! New news will be coming on Wednesday the 29th and Thursday the 30th when I have appointments with Doctors.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I talked to a very close family friend last night who has survived cancer. When she went in for Chemo each shot cost 3000$ and every radiation treatment cost 850$. She informed me that it would be the Chemo that would make my hair fall out. The radiation would give me the equivalent of a really bad sunburn and Aloe would help. I hope that I don't have to do radiation treatments.

The Chemo will kill bad cells as well as good cells. So I will need to talk to the Oncologist about whether or not I should be banking any sperm. A family member said that Lance Armstrong did, but it's unclear whether or not the two children he had after his treatments were because of banking his sperm or because he was still fertile afterward. That will be a conversation saved for the Oncologist.

My Surgeon/Urologist referred me to 4 different Oncologists. When I called that Office (they're all based out of the same location) I found out that they do not do self-pay. So they referred me to a doctor that does. I called the office of Doctor Sorensen. His secretary said that they were pretty booked and that they would find a doctor to squeeze me in with, she'd call me back. She was very helpful. It was about a half an hour later that I got a call back from her. She said that they had an appointment for me on Thursday, September 30th at 10:40am with another doctor.

I have to say that I am a little bit apprehensive about meeting an Oncologist so long after my surgery. I have began to catch the urgency of cancer and that you need to take care of it quickly, but an appointment is an appointment.

21 september 2010

So today I went into surgery today. First I went into the pre-operation room. I got into the gown and got ready for surgery. I told the nurse that I didn't want to remember any of it. So before I went in they gave me a muscle relaxer that made me really dizzy. They wheeled me into the operating room and the Anesthesiologist started a drip. My wrist where the IV was got really cold and felt wet.

The next thing I remember was waking up -- very slowly -- in the post-operating room. My family and friends filtered throughout the following few hours. The doctor told my family that they found inflamed lymph nodes in my CT Scan. So I will have to go through Chemo therapy. My wife Rhiannon is going to call the Oncologist tomorrow to find out what the next few steps will be.

So Far...

Thursday, September 9^th 2010. I was having some pain in my groin so I went to my Primary Care Physician. He examined me and told me there was something irregular going on. He ordered an ultrasound for me.

Tuesday, September 14^th was when I went in and began the ultrasound examination. The monitors showed something strange on my right testicle. It looked like tight dark scribbles. I never wanted to believe that it could have been anything worse than an infection, because I felt perfectly healthy. The technician told me that they would get back to me between 3-5 days.

Wednesday, September 15^th I get a call in the morning from the Ultrasound Analyst saying that he found something abnormal in my ultrasound and I needed to schedule an appointment right away. Only seconds after that call ended I got a call from the Urologist's office-scheduling department. They wanted me to come in that afternoon, but I couldn’t so I set the time for the next day.

Thursday, September 16^th after filling out paperwork, they had me take a U.A. (Urine Analysis) then wait in a room with my wife. The doctor came in, had me drop my pants and he examined me. Only moments after – probably no more than a minute – he sat back down and said I could pull my pants back up. That was when he told me I had Testicular Cancer. He wanted to get me into surgery right away, only I don’t have medical insurance. I asked him if we could wait a month for me to get insurance and he vehemently shook his head “no.” He explained that this cancer was highly treatable (a 98% success rate), but that it spreads quickly, if not treated. The sooner we operate, the better. He set the surgery date for Tuesday, September 21^st at 1 o’clock.

It all happened so fast, but all I saw were dollar signs and debt. I had NO idea how I was going to afford this. I had a job but had only been working there for 2 weeks. It was a sales job, so you only get paid for presentations and sales. I hadn’t done any of those yet. The big day to put to practice what we learned was going to be Saturday. When the doctor said I couldn’t do any heavy lifting for a month I knew I would have to quit my job. So at that point he left. There we were sitting in his office waiting for his nurse to come in with consent forms, knowing we had no cell service. I started to get antsy. First, I wanted to sever the obligation to the company I was working for, since they invest 3,000 dollars in every trainee. Then I would tell family.

The nurse came back in and told us I would have to get a blood test before we left. We signed the consent forms and were on our way. It seemed surreal.

We got to the Lab and a really nice nurse took us back. We got to talking and explained our situation about how we tried to apply for insurance when we first got married a year ago but because I have a preexisting condition of ADHD and my wife had panic attacks less than 5 years ago, no insurance company would insure us, even though we were perfectly healthy. The nurse could sympathize. She has a 21 year old, special needs daughter who hasn’t had surgery for 16 years and no one will insure her. She was very helpful and told us about all the different programs. One of which was CICP (Colorado Indigent Care Program) that operates out of Poudre Valley Hospital in Fort Collins, the one where the operation would take place.

Friday, September 17^th at 10:15, I had an appointment for a CT or CAT Scan of my pelvis and chest. We went and did that and then headed down to the Financial Aid Department of the Hospital. After we proved we were Colorado residents they gave us a purple card. This meant that every procedure would be 15-20 dollars. All we would have to do is pay Doctor’s fees. This was a major relief for me. In fact we paid for the surgery right there: fifteen dollars!

After that we went in to go and do my Pre-Op consultation. I learned that the surgery would take an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes. I would have to have a responsible adult with me 24 hours after the surgery.

That night the In-Laws, siblings-in-law, my parents and one of my brothers went out to dinner. At dinner the suggestion was made that we go to a church meeting on Saturday where another cancer survivor was speaking.

Saturday, September 18^th we went to the church meeting and listened to the speakers. I found a lot of strength in the speakers. However, up until this point I had tried to stay very positive about my lot. The way this survivor spoke though, added a component of fear and doubt that I wasn’t comfortable with. I felt like the more people that knew about my condition (outside my circle of influence) the more fearful reactions I received.

I want to be positive and optimistic about what is to come. After the talk the cancer survivor gave, he came up to me. We shook hands and I thanked him for his words. He stuttered and stopped, showing pity for me, by saying, [he] can’t even begin to express how sorry [he] is for me. I didn’t like that.

As we were leaving in the car I told my wife that I tend to be influenced heavily by multiple opinions. So when a person who has survived cancer expresses fear, sorrow and pity for me, it tends to rub off. I want to stay positive, but I can’t do that when people talk to me like they have no hope for my predicament or their first reaction to me is deep remorse. It starts to affect me negatively little, by little. Maybe I am just too casual about things, because I surrender control to things that are out of my control. I don’t like to waste my time wishing I hadn’t been cast this lot, because it doesn’t do anybody any good. I don’t want to spend time daydreaming about what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten cancer.

I will need the strength to fight and sorrow sucks that strength right out of you. I had been having pain in my groin for about a month before I went into the Doctor. About 5 days before I went in to see the Doctor I committed to myself that I would do anything reasonably necessary to get rid of whatever it was that was causing me grief. When I found out I had cancer I was already at peace with any solution.

So no, I don’t feel sad that I have this. It has brought my family together. In a way, I feel like a tool for God, a catalyst for bringing a scattered family closer together. That may sound weird, but I believe it. I have no genetic predisposition to cancer. There is only one instance and a relative of mine had prostate cancer. I don’t think this was random.

I don’t regret getting it. I’m not afraid. The cancer survivor spoke about hope, yet showed fear when approaching me about having cancer. I don’t think cancer is something we should fear. We should definitely be educated and have a healthy respect for it, but we shouldn’t fear something we have to fight. We should embrace the inevitability of a fight, and if the fight doesn’t come, the victor goes to the hopeful.

Sunday, September 19^th a website is under-construction by Nathan Chaney of Illinois. The site will be where people can go to get the whole story about what’s happening, get information and donate what they can to help out with the Doctor’s fees that I’ll have to pay out of pocket. My mom pushed for the idea and thought I should go for it, so I asked a talented Web Designer out of the Saint Louis area to make it happen. He is gladly donating his time for the cause.